Eulogy for a Friend: How to Write and Give a Tribute

A eulogy for a friend is a short spoken tribute, usually three to five minutes, that shows who they were through stories only a friend would know. Check with the family first, choose two or three qualities, tell one story for each, keep the focus on your friend rather than on you, and end with a simple goodbye.

A friend's eulogy has a special value. Family members knew your friend as a parent, child or partner. You knew them as the person who showed up, joked with you and kept your secrets. That is the side of them the room may not have heard.

For the general method, see our guide to how to write a eulogy. This page covers what is different when the person you are remembering was a friend.

Should you give the eulogy?

Ask before you prepare. The family and the officiant usually plan who speaks and for how long, and some services have only one or two eulogies. AARP notes that some services have one or two eulogies, which may need a clergy member's approval, while others have four or five short ones or welcome spontaneous remarks.

You could say something like: "I'd be honored to say a few words about [Name] if the family would like that. I can keep it to three minutes." If the family prefers to keep the program small, you can offer a story to whoever is speaking, or save it for the reception.

Friends sometimes find their grief is overlooked, because everyone's attention is on the family. That is not a reason to stay quiet, but it is a reason to be gentle with yourself. Our guide to disenfranchised grief explains why this happens.

What do you say in a eulogy for a friend?

A friend's eulogy has the same four parts as any tribute:

1. Who you are. Your name and how you knew them. Many people in the room will not know you.
2. Who they were. Two or three qualities, each shown by one short story.
3. What they gave people. What they brought to your life and to others.
4. A goodbye. Short and in your own voice.

Toastmasters advises limiting a eulogy to two or three main points, using stories and anecdotes rather than a chronological summary. AARP quotes Garry Schaeffer's warning that the biggest mistake is describing qualities in a way that is too bland, so tell the story rather than the adjective.

Memory prompts for a friend

The NHS lists shock, numbness and tiredness among common reactions to loss, so work in short sessions. Try answering these:

• How did you meet, and what was your first impression?
• What did they do that nobody else would? What was their habit or phrase?
• When did they show up for you without being asked?
• What did you do together that you will always connect with them?
• What did other friends, coworkers or neighbors say about them?
• What did they care about enough to argue about?
• What would they make fun of about today?

Look through photographs, old messages and voicemails if you have them. If you have a circle of mutual friends, ask each for one story. It helps you speak for more than yourself, and AARP suggests asking others when you are the only one speaking.

A simple outline

Replace the brackets with your own memories. This is a sample frame, not a finished speech.

Hello, I'm [name]. [Name] and I met [when and how], and for [number] years they were the person I called when [situation].

If I had to pick three things about [Name], it would be [quality], [quality] and [quality].

[One short story that shows the first quality.]

[One short story that shows the second.]

[One short line or story for the third, or something another friend said.]

[Name] taught me [one thing]. I'll think of [Name] every time [specific moment, place or habit].

[Name], thank you for [specific thing]. We'll [do something they would want]. Goodbye for now.

For a version with sample passages, see our short eulogy examples, which include a two-minute tribute to a friend.

What to leave out

A funeral crowd includes the person's parents, children, coworkers and neighbors, so choose stories everyone can hear.

• Romantic or sexual history. Leave out past partners, break-ups and anything that could hurt a surviving partner.
• Risky or illegal behavior. A story that is funny among friends can read differently in a church or chapel, and in front of older relatives.
• Private information. Things they told you in confidence stay confidential unless the family already knows.
• Conflicts or unfinished arguments. If you had a falling-out, you can acknowledge it briefly and kindly, or say nothing.
• Inside jokes. If you use one, explain it in a sentence so everyone can share it.
• Long stories about yourself. Your relationship is the lens, but your friend is the subject. AARP suggests having someone you trust read the draft and ask whether there is too much of you in it.

Humor in a friend's eulogy

Gentle, affectionate humor can be a gift in a room full of sadness. AARP's guidance includes the tip "Don't be afraid to be funny," and quotes an expert who says that sharing what people loved about the person can bring healthy, healing laughter. Choose a story that shows their warmth, and check it with a mutual friend or a family member if you are not sure. Our guide to the funny funeral speech goes into this further.

If the death was sudden, or by suicide or overdose

If the death was sudden, accidental or by suicide or overdose, speak to the closest family before you decide what to say. The cause of death is theirs to share, and you do not need to mention it. After a suicide, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention says most survivors are glad they decided to be honest about the facts of the death. That is the family's decision, so follow their lead, and avoid describing methods or details.

Our guide to funerals after a suicide covers wording and support. If you are struggling yourself, you can call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 at any time.

If you cannot give the eulogy

Some people find that they cannot speak at all, and that is understandable. You can still help in other ways:

• Write your tribute and ask someone else to read it aloud.
• Send the family a letter or card with your favorite memories. They will often keep it.
• Give a story or photos to the person who is speaking or to a funeral video tribute.
• Share a short memory at the reception, if there is an open moment.
• Write something for the online memorial page or guestbook.

Delivering it

Practice out loud, as Toastmasters recommends, and record yourself or try it on a friend. Print a large-type copy and give a backup reader a copy. If you cry, pause, breathe and sip water, and then go on, since the room will be with you. Our eulogy delivery tips cover the day in more depth.

For the end of your tribute, a short line to your friend is enough. See closing words for a funeral for options.

What to do next

1. Ask the family or officiant whether you may speak, how long you have and where you fall in the order.
2. Jot down answers to the memory prompts and ask one or two mutual friends for a story.
3. Pick two or three qualities and write one story for each, in your own spoken voice.
4. Read it aloud with a timer, print two large-type copies and choose a backup reader.