Disenfranchised Grief: Meaning, Examples and How to Cope

Disenfranchised grief is grief that other people do not openly acknowledge, mourn with you or support. It can follow a death, such as an ex-partner, a pet or a friend you knew online, or a loss that is not a death, such as a miscarriage or a broken relationship. The term was introduced in 1989 by bereavement researcher Kenneth Doka. If your loss does not get the sympathy cards, time off or rituals that other losses do, your grief is still real.

What is disenfranchised grief?

Kenneth Doka used the term in his 1989 book Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. In plain words, it describes grief that cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported.

That leaves the person with two burdens. There is the loss itself. There is also the silence around it, and sometimes the message that they should not be upset at all.

Researchers also describe a second form. People can disenfranchise their own grief, by suppressing it or telling themselves that it does not count. A 2024 study asked people about three hypothetical unacknowledged losses (pet loss, a romantic break-up and having a psychological disorder). It found that the three losses differed in how much acknowledgment and support people felt they deserved, for themselves and for others, and that attachment and social support were linked to those views.

Common examples

Grief gets overlooked in several ways. Your situation may fit more than one.

When the relationship is not recognized

• An ex-partner or ex-spouse. Years together do not disappear with a divorce, and a death can bring them back.
• A friend, coworker, neighbor or teacher. Bereavement policies and social customs often put other relatives first.
• An online friend. People can be close for years without meeting in person. Others may not see why it hurts.
• A partner whose relationship was not openly acknowledged. A 2016 systematic review of LGBTQ+ people who lost a partner found that homophobia and a failure to acknowledge the relationship, along with legal and financial problems, added to their grief.

When the loss is not recognized

• A pet. A study of pet owners in the US and French Canada found that pet loss is often disenfranchised grief, with themes of lack of validation and support, the intensity of the loss, and the nature of the bond with the pet.
• Pregnancy loss and stillbirth. A systematic review of 144 studies on stillbirth found disenfranchised grief and stigma among its recurring themes. If this is your loss, Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support offers peer support and free resources, and our guides on miscarriage memorial options and infant loss may help.
• Losses that are not deaths. A job you had for years, the end of a long friendship, an estrangement, or a home you had to leave.

When the griever is overlooked

• Children. Adults sometimes leave kids out of funerals and conversations to protect them. The Dougy Center has free resources for grieving children and teens, and our guide to explaining death to children covers what to say.
• Older adults. People may assume that age makes loss easier to bear.
• People with intellectual or developmental disabilities. Others may assume they do not understand or will not be affected.

When the circumstances carry stigma

Deaths by suicide or overdose, or from illnesses that carry a stigma, can leave mourners feeling judged. Some avoid telling people how the person died. Our guide to funerals after a suicide covers practical questions for families.

When your way of grieving is not recognized

People grieve differently. Some cry openly. Some go quiet, stay busy or want to talk about logistics. Others may think you are grieving too much or not enough. Neither is wrong.

Why it can make grief harder

The pain of the loss is the same, but fewer things help. There may be no funeral, no casseroles, no time off and no one checking in. You may also start to doubt yourself: Am I overreacting? Should I be over this by now?

If grief stays intense, it is worth knowing the signs of prolonged grief disorder. The American Psychiatric Association says it is diagnosed in adults at least a year after a loss, and in children and teens at least 6 months after, when intense grief persists and interferes with daily life. It estimates that 4% to 15% of bereaved adults experience it. Our guide to complicated grief explains the signs and treatment.

What helps

Name it and let it count

Saying "this is disenfranchised grief" can be a relief. It explains why you feel so alone with it. You do not need permission from anyone else to grieve, and grief does not have to meet anyone's threshold to be valid.

Make your own rituals

When no one else marks the loss, you can. A ritual does not have to be elaborate.

• Write a letter to the person, pet or thing you lost. You do not have to send it.
• Light a candle on a date that matters.
• Plant something, or put up a small memorial in your home.
• Make a donation in their name.
• Hold your own small goodbye with one or two people who understand.

For ideas that work for any kind of loss, see living memorial ideas and memorial trees.

Find people who understand

Peer support can ease the sense of being the only one. Look for a group that matches your kind of loss: Share for pregnancy and infant loss, The Compassionate Friends for families after the death of a child of any age, or a hospice-run or community grief group. For pet loss, ask your veterinarian or local animal shelter whether they know of a group. Our guide to online grief support compares online options.

Consider talking to a professional

A counselor can help you work through grief that other people dismiss. Our guides to types of grief counseling and grief counseling vs therapy explain the differences.

Look after the basics

The NHS suggests talking to people you trust, getting regular exercise and eating well, and advises against using alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs to relieve grief. It also notes that the often-quoted stages of grief are not a fixed sequence: you may not feel all of them, and they may not come in a set order.

Feeling relief as well as grief

Some deaths bring relief as well as sadness. That can be true after a long illness, or after the death of someone who was difficult or harmful. Relief does not cancel your grief, and grief does not make the relief wrong. Both can be true at once.

Time off work when the loss is not recognized

Workplace policies and laws on bereavement often cover specific relatives, so a friend, an ex-partner or a pet may not be included. You can still ask for a personal day, use paid time off, or explain that you need a few days. Our guides to bereavement leave and returning to work after a death explain what to ask for.

If someone you know is grieving this way

• Believe them. You do not have to understand why the loss matters to them.
• Say the simple thing. "I'm so sorry. I'm here if you want to talk."
• Skip the comparison. Avoid "at least" lines, "you can always get another," or "it was just..."
• Use the name. Say the name of the person or pet.
• Offer something specific. A meal, a walk, or sitting with them at the time of a ritual.

Our guide to what to say at a funeral has more wording to borrow.

If you are in crisis

What to do next

1. Write down the loss and what it meant to you, even if it feels small to others.
2. Choose one person or group who will not judge it, and tell them.
3. Mark the loss in a way that feels right for you, and set a date to do it.