Eulogy for a Sibling: How to Write a Tribute to Your Brother or Sister

A eulogy for a brother or sister is a short spoken tribute that draws on the history only a sibling shares. Aim for three to five minutes, and no more than eight. Pick two or three themes, tell one story for each, say what they meant to you, and finish with a simple goodbye.

You probably knew them longer than anyone else in the room. That is your advantage. You do not need to be a good speaker. You need to be an honest witness.

For the general method, see our guide to how to write a eulogy. This page covers what is particular to a sibling: sorting out who speaks, finding material in a shared childhood, and handling difficult situations.

Who should speak, and in what order?

A sibling is often not the next of kin. A spouse, partner or children usually are, and parents may be living. Before you start writing, find out the plan.

• Ask the closest family whether they want to speak and how long they would like.
• Tell the officiant or funeral director you want to give a eulogy and ask how long you have. AARP notes that some services have eulogies approved by the clergy member beforehand, while others are looser.
• If several siblings want to speak, decide whether to give one joint tribute or several short ones. Our guide to sibling funeral disagreements covers conflicts over who takes the lead.
• Agree a division of themes, so nobody repeats the same story.

If their spouse or children speak, you can focus on what only you can offer: the childhood, the teenage years, and the person they were before the roles they held as adults.

What do you say in a eulogy for a sibling?

Most sibling tributes have four parts:

1. Who you are. Your name and how you are related. Colleagues, neighbors and friends may not know.
2. Who they were. Two or three qualities, each shown by one story.
3. What they meant to you. What you learned, what you shared, what you will miss.
4. A goodbye. Short, direct and in your own voice.

AARP's expert explains that a eulogy is more about who the person was than just the facts, which belong in the obituary. You can leave out the job titles and dates, and the list of survivors.

Memory prompts for a brother or sister

Grief affects concentration, and the NHS lists shock, numbness and tiredness among common reactions. Write in short sessions. Try a line or two for each:

• What is your earliest memory of them?
• What did you fight about, and what did you never fight about?
• What did the two of you do in the back seat, on the porch or in the kitchen late at night?
• What nickname, phrase or noise was theirs alone?
• When did they stand up for you, or when did you stand up for them?
• What did they get wrong, and how did they laugh about it?
• What did they love that you came to love?
• What would they say if they heard you giving this speech?

Old photos, voice messages and group chats are good for jogging memory. Also ask a parent, cousin or their best friend for a story. AARP suggests asking relatives for their stories if you are the only family member speaking.

Themes to build on

Choosing one main theme helps you decide which stories to tell. Toastmasters advises limiting a eulogy to two or three main points and treating it as a tribute, not a chronology. Here are some common ones, which you can mix.

• The protector. The older sibling who looked out for you, or the younger one who surprised you with their courage.
• The partner in mischief. Shared jokes, schemes and secrets. This gives room for humor.
• The trailblazer. The first to leave home, to go to college, to say the thing nobody else would.
• The quiet one. Someone who spoke little but was always there. Show it with what they did.
• The connector. The one who remembered every birthday and kept everyone in touch.

Whatever the theme, AARP's advice applies: avoid bland descriptions such as "she was generous." Give a specific example instead.

Sample wording to adapt

These two invented passages show the style. Use your own memories rather than these.

An older sibling. "When I was seven, I got lost in a department store. My brother found me in four minutes, and spent the next forty years telling that story at every family gathering. He never said he was proud of me. He just kept turning up, at my graduation, at my wedding, at the hospital, always a bit early."

A younger sibling. "She was the youngest and acted like it. She borrowed my sweaters and returned them smelling of someone else's cooking. She also drove two hours in a snowstorm when I called her in tears, and she did not ask me a single question until I had stopped crying."

Our short eulogy examples include more short wording, and our guide to a funny funeral speech covers how to use humor without alienating the room.

Inside jokes and childhood stories

Childhood stories are your strongest material, but a few rules help:

• Give one sentence of context for any inside joke. "When we were kids, we called the neighbor's dog 'the General.'"
• Skip stories that embarrass someone alive, or that reveal a private matter such as a past addiction, divorce or money dispute.
• Keep each story to about a minute, ending on the point rather than the plot.

If they died suddenly, or by suicide or overdose

You do not have to mention the cause of death. If it was sudden, accidental or by suicide or overdose, speak to the closest family before you decide what to say, since the cause is theirs to share. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention says that, most survivors are glad they were honest about the facts of a death. That is the family's decision, so follow their lead. Avoid describing methods or details.

Our guide to funerals after a suicide covers wording and support. If you are struggling yourself, you can call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 at any time.

If you were estranged or the relationship was hard

You do not have to give a glowing portrait, and you do not have to speak. If you do, stay with what is true and kind: shared childhood, what you admired, what you wish had been different, said gently. A short tribute is fine. Our guide to complicated grief explains why mixed feelings are common after a death like this.

Delivering it

Practice out loud, not only in your head. Toastmasters also suggests recording yourself, getting feedback from a person you trust and visiting the room beforehand if you can. Many experienced speakers memorize the first and last lines so they can start and finish with confidence.

Print a large-type, double-spaced copy and keep paper with you even if you plan to read from your phone. AARP's expert says that it is normal to be nervous and upset, and that it is okay to cry. If you break down, stop, breathe, sip some water and go on. Ask a sibling, friend or the officiant to hold a copy so they can finish for you. Our eulogy delivery tips go into more detail. For the ending, see our guide to closing words for a funeral.

What to do next

1. Ask the closest family who is speaking, and tell the officiant you want to say a few words.
2. Write answers to five of the prompts and ask one person for a story.
3. Choose a theme and write a draft the way you talk.
4. Read it aloud with a timer, and give a copy to a backup reader.