Eulogy Delivery Tips: How to Speak at a Funeral

To deliver a eulogy well, write it to be heard, practice it out loud, print it in large type and speak more slowly than feels natural. AARP's eulogy advice suggests five to eight minutes, and shorter is often better. You do not need to be a confident speaker. The people in the room are on your side and want you to get through it.

This guide covers the practical side: length, script or notes, a short practice plan, what to do on the day, and what to do if you cry. If you still need to write the words, start with our guide on how to write a eulogy.

How long should a eulogy be?

There is no fixed rule. AARP's eulogy advice suggests aiming for five to eight minutes and erring on the side of shorter. Toastmasters International suggests limiting a eulogy to two or three main points. If other people are speaking too, or the venue runs on a timed slot, your share may be two or three minutes. Ask the officiant or funeral director how long you have before you start writing.

The National Center for Voice and Speech puts the average speaking rate for US English speakers at about 150 words per minute. That gives you a rough guide:

These are upper limits. A eulogy is read more slowly than conversation, with pauses for emotion and sometimes for laughter, so write toward the lower end. If you are short on time, our guide to short eulogy examples shows what a two-to-three-minute tribute looks like.

Should I read from a script or use notes?

Most people are safer with a full script. Grief and adrenaline can make it hard to find words you know well, and a script means you never have to. Some speakers prefer bullet points because it sounds more natural. A middle path works well: write out the opening and closing in full, and use short prompts for the stories in between.

Whichever you choose:

• Print it in large type, 16 point or bigger, with generous line spacing and page numbers. Funeral rooms can be dim and tears blur small print.
• Use paper, not a phone. Screens can lock or dim at the wrong moment. Paper is easy to hold, and easy to hand to a backup reader.
• Never start a sentence on the bottom line of a page. End each page at a full stop so you do not have to turn mid-sentence.
• Write it the way you talk. Short sentences are easier to say and to hear.

A simple practice plan

If you have a few days, this order works well. If you have one evening, do steps 3 and 4 and skip the rest.

1. Gather stories. Ask two or three people who knew the person for the first memory that comes to mind.
2. Pick two or three main points and one story for each. Decide how you will open and close.
3. Read it aloud with a timer, at least twice. Mark the places you stumble and change those words. Toastmasters advises practicing out loud, not just in your head.
4. Read it to one person you trust and ask whether it sounds like you and like the person you are remembering. AARP also suggests having someone you trust read it and give feedback.
5. Mark your pauses with a slash or a line break after the person's name, after any joke, and before the last sentence.
6. Print two copies. One is for you and one is for a backup reader.

Toastmasters also notes that many experienced speakers memorize at least the opening and closing, so they can start and finish with confidence. That also lets you look up and make eye contact at the start and the end.

What to do on the day

• Get there early and look at the room. Toastmasters' advice for stage fright includes visiting the space beforehand. Check where the lectern is, where you will sit and whether there is a microphone.
• Ask about the microphone. If the service is livestreamed or recorded, ask the funeral home whether the speaker's microphone feeds the stream.
• Bring water and put a glass on or near the lectern.
• Tell your backup reader where they will sit and what signal you will give them, such as a nod or a hand on the lectern.
• Go slowly. Take a breath before your first word. Say the person's name early, and pause after it.

How to calm your nerves

Nerves are normal, even for people who speak in public regularly. A few techniques from reputable sources:

• Slow breathing. The NHS describes breathing in gently, counting from 1 to 5, and letting the breath out gently, counting from 1 to 5 again. The NHS suggests doing it for at least five minutes, so start before you stand up.
• Controlled counts. Toastmasters suggests breathing in for four counts, holding for four and out for six to eight.
• Release perfectionism. Toastmasters puts it simply: a speech does not need to be flawless to be effective. At a funeral, people are listening for love, not polish.
• Pause when you need to. Toastmasters advises taking a moment to say nothing. A pause often feels much longer to you than to the audience.
• Have a recovery line. If you lose your place, say "Let me take a moment," breathe and find your spot on the page.

What if I cry or can't finish?

Crying at a funeral is expected, and AARP's advice is blunt that it is okay to cry. If your voice breaks, stop, breathe and take a sip of water. You do not need to apologize. Most rooms will wait patiently.

If you think you might not get through it, plan for that rather than hoping it will not happen. Give a copy to a backup reader in the front row, agree on your signal, and tell them where to pick up. If you cannot continue, they can finish it for you. Often just knowing the backup exists makes it easier to speak.

Can I use humor?

Often, yes. AARP notes that when people share something they loved about the person, there can be healthy, healing laughter. A 1997 study of bereaved adults in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that genuine laughter was associated with lower anger, better social relationships and more positive responses from others. That does not mean every funeral needs jokes, but a warm, affectionate story is often welcome. Keep it kind, keep it about the person's habits rather than the death, and check it with a close relative. Our guide to a funny funeral speech goes into this in detail.

Mistakes that get in the way of a good tribute

• Reading the obituary. Guests have usually seen the dates, schools and jobs. Tell them what the person was like.
• Turning it into a biography. Toastmasters advises focusing on meaningful stories, anecdotes and quotes rather than a chronological account.
• Making it about you. Your relationship is the lens, but the person is the subject.
• Airing conflicts or family secrets. If a story could hurt someone in the room, save it for a private conversation.
• Going long. If you cut one story, the others will land harder.
• Talking too fast. Nerves push most people past their normal pace. If you think you are going slowly enough, slow down a little more.

What to do next

1. Find out how long you have and where the eulogy falls in the funeral service order.
2. Read your draft aloud with a timer, then cut it to fit with a little room to spare.
3. Print two large-type copies and choose a backup reader.
4. Plan how you will begin. Our guide to opening words for a funeral has ideas if you are also welcoming the room.