Shiva: What It Is, How It Works and What to Do When You Visit

Shiva (Hebrew for "seven") is the seven-day mourning period in Judaism that begins right after a burial. The closest relatives stay at home, sit on low seats, cover the mirrors and receive visitors, while friends and the community bring meals and gather for prayer. If you are visiting, keep it short, bring food instead of flowers, and let the mourners speak first.

What is shiva?

Shiva is the first stage of Jewish mourning after the burial. It is traditionally observed for a parent, sibling, spouse or child. During the week, the mourners step back from work and daily routines so that grief can be shared with family and community instead of carried alone. My Jewish Learning describes the week as a time to step away from the world's business and begin to accept the loss.

Shiva takes place at the home of the mourner or the person who died, and sometimes at more than one home. The family usually announces visiting hours at the funeral or through the synagogue.

How long does shiva last?

Shiva runs for seven days after the burial. The rest of the burial day counts as the first day, even though it is only a partial day. The last day ends with a symbolic moment called "getting up from shiva," when mourners rise and often take a walk around the block with friends.

Some details change the count:

• Shabbat. Shiva is not observed on the Sabbath, though the day still counts toward the seven. Ask the family about Shabbat hours.
• Jewish holidays. When a major holiday begins, it ends shiva.
• Shorter shiva. My Jewish Learning notes that many non-Orthodox families observe fewer days or set specific visiting hours.
• Financial hardship. My Jewish Learning notes that mourners in financial distress can return to work after three days.

What happens during shiva?

Traditional customs include:

• The meal of condolence. After the burial, neighbors or the community traditionally serve the mourners a meal, so the mourners do not have to prepare it.
• Low seats. Mourners sit on low stools, cushions or the floor. Ashkenazi custom uses stools, and Sephardic custom often uses floor seating.
• Covered mirrors. It is traditional to cover mirrors in the home.
• A seven-day candle. A memorial candle burns throughout the week.
• Torn clothing or a ribbon. This is called kriah, and it is done at the funeral.
• Prayer. Families who want services arrange a minyan, a quorum of ten adult Jews, for daily prayers. The Mourner's Kaddish is said at these services.
• Restrictions. Mourners traditionally avoid work, shaving, bathing for pleasure, leather shoes, entertainment and cleaning clothes.

Families differ in how many of these customs they keep, and communities vary, so follow what the family you are visiting has chosen.

How to organize a shiva

If you are helping a family, these are the practical jobs that make shiva easier for the mourners:

1. Choose a coordinator. Pick someone outside the immediate family to handle calls, meals and visitors. Many synagogues have a volunteer committee that can help.
2. Set visiting hours. Hand out a sheet at the funeral with the address, directions and hours. A sign on the door works too.
3. Plan the meals. Make a schedule among friends and relatives, or use a caterer, and keep the house stocked with food. Arrange for cleanup and leftovers.
4. Gather supplies. My Jewish Learning's list includes a seven-day candle, low seating for the mourners, regular seating for guests, prayer books and head coverings, a sign-in book and plenty of tissues.
5. Arrange a minyan through the synagogue if the family wants daily services.

How to make a shiva call

My Jewish Learning's etiquette guide advises:

• Timing. Listen for the announced hours at the funeral. Call ahead if you need to come at another time.
• Arriving. Do not ring the bell. The door is usually left open or unlocked, so you can walk in quietly.
• What to wear. Dress as you would for synagogue services. Modest, respectful clothing is right in most places.
• What to bring. Take food straight to the kitchen and label it with your name and whether it is meat, dairy or pareve (neutral). Do not bring flowers. A donation in the person's name is a good alternative.
• Greeting the mourners. Tradition favors silence at first. Let the mourners begin the conversation.
• How long to stay. A few moments up to about 10 minutes with the mourners.
• Leaving. Offer a blessing: "May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."

For more on clothing and conversation at any funeral, see our guides on what to wear to a funeral and what to say at a funeral.

What to say

You do not need to say much. The tradition is to wait until the mourners speak first, and to let your presence do the comforting. A simple "I'm so sorry" is enough, and so is a short memory of the person: "Your mom always made me laugh" means a great deal. My Jewish Learning says the right topic of conversation is the person who died, so keep it about them and the mourners.

Avoid jokes, gossip and loud talk. It is also kinder to skip clichés like "everything happens for a reason" and questions about how the person died. If the family wants to talk about it, they will.

Can non-Jews attend a shiva?

Yes. A respectful visit from a coworker, neighbor or friend is welcome. Food is the usual gift, so check for dietary needs first, and skip flowers. Follow the family's lead on any prayers or rituals, and sit quietly during a service if you are unsure.

After shiva

Jewish mourning continues in stages:

1. Sheloshim (30 days). Counted from the burial and including shiva. Mourners return to work and normal life but avoid entertainment and festive events.
2. The first year. For a parent, mourners say the Mourner's Kaddish daily for 11 months. Our guide to the Kaddish prayer explains what it says and when it is recited.
3. The unveiling. A short gravestone ceremony, generally held after sheloshim and usually in the month before the first anniversary.
4. Yahrzeit. Each year on the anniversary, families light a memorial candle and recite Kaddish.

If the tahara, burial or cemetery rules are what you need, see our guides to the tahara ritual, Jewish burial requirements and Jewish funeral traditions.

Shiva and work leave

Shiva usually means a full week off work. If you are the mourner, tell your supervisor early, and check your employer's bereavement policy. Our guide to bereavement leave explains how leave for a death usually works. If you are a colleague, it is kinder to keep work contact to a minimum during the week.