What to Say at a Funeral: Examples and What to Avoid

At a funeral, keep it short and sincere. Emily Post suggests "I am sorry for your loss," "I am so sorry" or "I am here for you," plus a brief, positive memory if you knew the person. Skip explanations and advice, and offer a specific kind of help rather than "call me if you need anything."

What do you say to the family at a funeral?

Most people greet the family in a receiving line or at the visitation, where they are speaking to many people. A few words are plenty. Good openers include:

• "I am so sorry for your loss."
• "I am so sorry."
• "I am here for you."
• "I'm thinking of you and your family."

Emily Post also says that touch can comfort, such as a hug or a hand on the arm, if the person welcomes it. You do not need more. If the family member wants to talk, they will, and you can follow their lead.

How do you add a memory?

If you knew the person, one short, positive memory tells the family their loss matters to others. Emily Post says that if the person mentions the one who died by name, they may welcome reminiscing, but if they say something like "this is so painful," they may need you to listen instead of talking.

Keep memories brief, kind and specific. "She always remembered my birthday" is better than a long story. Save longer stories for the gathering afterward, if the family wants them.

What can you say if you did not know the person well?

Introduce yourself and say how you know the family, then offer sympathy. Emily Post says that if you did not know the person, you can mention something positive you have heard about them.

What should you not say?

Emily Post lists phrases that can hurt, even when meant well:

• "Everything happens for a reason" or other lines that suggest a purpose to the death
• "It is God's will" or other assumptions about the family's beliefs
• "I know just how you feel" (every loss is different)
• "You can have other children" or other attempts to reduce the loss
• Questions about money or life insurance

Add to that list a few other habits to skip:

• Asking how the person died. If the family wants to tell you, they will.
• Telling someone not to cry or that they will get over it. My Jewish Learning advises against both.
• Comparing the loss with your own. A single, brief "I lost my dad last year, so I have some idea" is fine, but let them lead.
• Saying the loss is a "blessing in disguise." Emily Post says to leave this out of sympathy notes, and it is better left unsaid in person.

How do you offer help that is useful?

Emily Post warns against giving your number and saying "call if you need anything," because when grieving it is often hard to know if or when you need something, and asking feels like a burden. Instead, name a task and say when you will follow up. Emily Post's example suggests offering help with groceries, housecleaning or watching the kids and saying you will call in a day or two to find the best times.

Examples:

• "I'd like to pick up groceries for you. I'll text you tomorrow to see what you need."
• "Can I take the kids to school on Wednesday?"
• "I'll walk the dog each morning this week."
• "I can answer the phone and keep track of the flowers and cards while you rest."

The last example matches Emily Post's advice for visitors, who can help with answering phones and keeping track of incoming gifts and cards. For more ideas, see our guide to alternatives to funeral flowers and what to bring to a funeral home.

What if words do not come?

Sometimes presence says more than anything you can say. Emily Post says that sometimes remaining silent with compassionate presence is the most helpful thing.

In Jewish tradition, visitors to a shiva house traditionally do not speak first and wait for the mourners to begin. My Jewish Learning describes a saying: "Be there, speak in silence and hear with a heart." It also lists traditional words of comfort, such as "May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." Our shiva guide explains what to expect at a shiva visit.

Other faiths have their own phrases and customs. If you are attending a service in a tradition you do not know, ask a friend of the family how people usually greet the mourners, or watch what others do.

What do you write in a sympathy card or message?

Emily Post advises writing what you truly feel. A single sincere line is enough, a specific memory is welcome, and an offer of concrete help is a good way to finish. Leave out details of illness or the manner of death.

A simple note might read: "Dear Maria, I was so sorry to hear about your father. He was always so kind to me at the store, and I'll miss his jokes. I'd like to bring dinner on Thursday. I'll call to check if that works. With love, Anna."

• Handwritten notes are preferred over email, says Emily Post.
• Email or text is acceptable as a first message if that is how you usually communicate, but follow with a handwritten note.
• Social media. Posted condolences do not need individual replies. Wait for the family, the funeral home or an obituary to announce the death before posting.

For more wording, see funeral condolence messages. If you are attending a livestreamed service, see virtual funeral services for how to sign the online guestbook or send a message.

What should you do after the funeral?

The need for support does not end with the service. Emily Post says to be patient with someone in the weeks and months after a loss, not to take it personally if they seem moody or do not return calls, and to stay in touch. It also suggests thinking about reaching out on the first anniversary, using your judgment about whether it will comfort.

The Hospice Foundation of America says grief is different for everyone and lessens over time but does not disappear, and that someone may seem to be coping and then feel overwhelmed again. It suggests professional grief counseling if someone's grief has not eased after several months and they cannot return to their earlier functioning, and says professional help is essential if they express thoughts of self-harm.

If you are worried about someone's safety in the US, call or text 988, the free 24/7 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call emergency services. Our guides to complicated grief and online grief support explain what help is available.

What to do next

1. Choose one short sentence, such as "I am so sorry for your loss," and say it plainly.
2. Add one memory, if you have one.
3. Offer one specific thing you will do, with a day.
4. Put a reminder in your calendar to check in a few weeks from now.
5. Read our funeral etiquette guide for what to wear, bring and do on the day.