Funeral Crowdfunding Etiquette: Asking, Giving and Saying Thank You

Funeral crowdfunding etiquette comes down to a few habits. If you are not the family, ask before you start a page. Say plainly what the money is for, who receives it and what happens to any extra. Keep donors updated, thank them, and never pressure anyone to give. Donors can give any amount they like, or simply share the page, and nobody should feel they must.

This guide covers manners for organizers and donors. For setting up a page, fees and taxes, see our guide to crowdfunding a funeral.

Is it okay to ask for money for a funeral?

Yes, when the need is real and the request is honest. Emily Post says that ordinarily cash isn't sent to a family in place of flowers or a charitable donation, but that exceptions can be made. Its example is a bereaved family having financial difficulties, where a group such as co-workers, club members or neighbors might take up a collection. That is the situation most funeral fundraisers are in.

The Funeral Consumers Alliance also lists fundraising through local businesses or clubs, or sites such as GoFundMe, as a possible way to cover final arrangements, alongside other sources of help. Our guide to asking for funeral donations covers wording.

Who should start the page?

Ideally the family, or someone the family has asked. If you are a friend who wants to help, ask first. The family may not want a public appeal, may have raised money another way, or may prefer that someone else receives it.

Agree these three things before the page goes live:

• Who is the organizer and who is the beneficiary. The FTC points out that the money goes to the campaign organizer, who controls how it is spent, and that the organizer might not be closely connected to the person the campaign is meant to help. The person paying the funeral bill is usually the sensible recipient.
• What the money is for. Tie it to a real quote or price list if you can. Our funeral budget builder can help you work out a realistic figure.
• Who will post updates. One person should own this.

Start only one page. Two pages for the same funeral confuse donors and split the money, and can look suspicious to people who see both.

What should the page say?

Keep it short, warm and specific.

1. Who died, with a photo the family is happy to share, and a few lines about them.
2. What the money is for. For example "funeral home costs" or "cremation and a small memorial". Vague requests make people hesitate.
3. Who receives the money. Name the beneficiary and say how it will be paid.
4. What happens to extra money. Say it up front.
5. A thank-you. A single line, not a long plea.

Leave out details the family hasn't agreed to share, such as the cause of death or a hospital's name. Avoid guilt, countdowns and phrases like "every dollar counts". Let readers choose.

What do organizers owe donors afterwards?

• A quick thank-you. A short message on the page is enough, plus a personal note for people who gave a lot or who you know well. Our thank-you note template has wording.
• Updates. When the date and place of the service are fixed, post them. If you got what you needed, say so and close the page.
• Honesty about the money. You don't need to publish receipts, but say broadly what was spent. If the amount raised was more or less than planned, explain what you did.
• A decision on leftover money. If you said extra would go to a charity or a memorial, do that. If you want to change the plan, tell donors.

How much should you give?

There is no fixed amount. Emily Post's advice for donations in lieu of flowers is to give at least what you would have spent on a flower arrangement, but that advice concerns gifts to a charity. A gift to a family's fundraiser can be any size, and a small one is as welcome as a large one.

Some things matter more than the amount:

• A short message. A line about the person means more to the family than the number.
• Sharing the page with people who knew them, if the family wants it shared.
• Following the family's request. If the obituary names a charity or asks for flowers, do that. Our guide to funeral donations etiquette explains how.
• Skipping the page. If you've sent flowers, a card or a meal, you've already helped.

How do you give safely?

Crowdfunding scams exist, and people sometimes copy real obituaries. The FTC advises donors to check before they give:

• Give to people you know and trust. If a friend shared the page, contact them separately and ask what they know about the family.
• Find out who is behind it. Look at the organizer's name and any link to the family.
• Do a reverse image search of the photos. If they appear on other campaigns under different names, walk away.
• Check the fees and timing. Each platform has its own rules about fees and when money reaches the organizer.

If you spot a fake page, report it to the platform, then to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov and your state attorney general.

What about tax?

Briefly, for etiquette's sake:

• Donors can't deduct gifts to an individual or family. The FTC says donations to individuals are not tax deductible, and the IRS says you can't deduct contributions to specific individuals.
• Organizers and families. The IRS says money from friends and family given as a gift shouldn't be reported on a Form 1099-K and isn't taxable income. Platforms are required to report to the IRS when payments for goods or services exceed $20,000 in more than 200 transactions, though you may get a form for less. How gifts from people you don't know are treated can depend on the facts, so if a large amount was raised, ask a tax professional. Our crowdfunding guide explains the details.

What if the campaign falls short?

Don't plan a bigger funeral than you can pay for if the page doesn't reach its goal. Choose a service you can afford without it, such as direct cremation, and hold a memorial later if there is money. Our guide on what to do if you can't afford a funeral lists other sources, and who pays for a funeral explains your responsibilities under the contract.

What to do next

1. If you want to help, ask the family before starting anything.
2. If you are the family, get a written quote first, then set the goal.
3. Name one beneficiary, say what the money is for and what happens to extra.
4. Post updates, then a thank-you when the funeral has taken place.