Funeral Donations Etiquette: How Much to Give and How

When an obituary asks for donations in lieu of flowers, give to the charity the family names, mark the gift "in memory of" the person and give the family's address so the charity can notify them. Emily Post advises giving at least what you would have spent on flowers. No etiquette rule sets a fixed amount, and any gift is welcome.

How do you make a memorial donation, step by step?

1. Find the family's request. Look in the obituary, on the funeral home's tribute page or in the funeral program. It may name one charity, a few, or a fund.
2. Give through the charity itself. Use the charity's website or mail a check to its address. Gifts made through the charity reach the cause and also produce a receipt.
3. Mark it "in memory of." Emily Post advises writing this, with the person's name, on the check or the online form. It tells the charity whom the gift honors, and whom to notify.
4. Give the family's address. Emily Post says to provide it so the organization can send an acknowledgment. If you do not have the address, ask a mutual friend or the funeral home.
5. Confirm the charity will notify the family. If you are not sure it will, tell them yourself.
6. Keep the receipt. You will need it if you claim a deduction (see below).

How do you tell the family you gave?

A short line in a sympathy card is enough. Emily Post's own example reads like this: "We've remembered Maria with a contribution to The Benevolent Society." You do not need to mention the amount. The card also gives you room for a line about the person, which the charity's notice cannot. Emily Post says handwritten notes are preferred. See our guide to what to say at a funeral and funeral condolence messages for wording.

How much should you give?

Emily Post advises giving at least what you would have spent on flowers. Beyond that, there is no official range. The right amount is whatever you can afford, and close friends or relatives may want to give more than colleagues or acquaintances. Keep it to what feels comfortable, because the family is thanking you for the gesture.

You do not need to compare your gift with anyone else's. Families send thank-you notes to everyone who gave, whatever the amount.

What if no charity is named?

If the obituary says "donations to the charity of your choice," Emily Post suggests picking one that would resonate with the family and giving their address so acknowledgments reach them. Good matches include:

• a cause the person supported or volunteered for
• a group tied to an illness they had, or the hospice that cared for them
• a local organization the person's community knows, such as a library, a church, a school or an animal shelter

If the family listed a charity and you would prefer another, choose the family's. The request reflects what matters to them.

Can you still send flowers?

Emily Post says you may still send flowers in addition to a donation, though following the family's wishes is preferred. A smaller arrangement, or flowers sent to the home a few weeks later, can be a gentle compromise. Our guide to alternatives to funeral flowers covers other gifts, such as meals and practical help.

Is it okay to give cash or a check to the family?

Emily Post says cash is ordinarily not given, with exceptions such as a group collection when the family is facing financial hardship. If you want to help with costs, look for a fund or page the family has shared. Giving there is fine.

Do not bring an envelope to the service unless the family has asked for it, since it gives them one more thing to keep track of. Mail it or use the fundraising page instead.

Our guides to crowdfunding funeral costs and setting up a memorial fund explain how those pages work.

Are memorial donations tax-deductible?

It depends on who receives the gift, according to the IRS:

• Qualified organizations. You can deduct contributions to qualified charities, including churches and other religious organizations, if you itemize. You can check an organization in the IRS Tax Exempt Organization Search.
• Individuals. The IRS says gifts to individuals are not deductible. That includes a family's fundraiser, however worthy.
• Non-itemizers. Beginning in tax year 2026, taxpayers who do not itemize can deduct up to $1,000 ($2,000 if filing jointly) of cash contributions to certain qualified organizations.
• Records. For cash gifts, keep a bank record or written record with the organization's name, date and amount. For a gift of $250 or more, you need a written acknowledgment from the organization.

What do different faiths and cultures expect?

Customs differ within every tradition, so use these as pointers and follow the family's request.

• Jewish. Emily Post says that in place of flowers, friends are asked to give to charity in the person's name. My Jewish Learning's guide to shiva calls says a donation to a charity designated by the mourners is an appropriate way to honor the deceased. The Hebrew letters of chai ("life") add up to 18, and Jewish givers often choose amounts in multiples of 18, though it is a custom, not a rule.
• Islamic. Islamic Relief describes sadaqah jariyah, an ongoing charity such as a well or school, and says it is often given in the name of a loved one after death.
• Buddhist. Lion's Roar says guests at Zen funerals present okoden, or condolence money, to the family, and guests sometimes bring food. Customs vary widely between Buddhist traditions and countries, so ask the family or temple.

For other traditions, ask the family or the funeral home.

If you are the family: how do you ask for donations?

If you are writing the obituary, these steps make it simpler for guests:

1. Name one or two causes and include a web address. Fewer choices means fewer mistakes.
2. Say whom to contact if guests have questions, and confirm the charity has your mailing address.
3. Ask one person to keep a list of donors. Emily Post says to thank people for charitable contributions as well as flowers and notes. See our thank-you note template.
4. Keep the wording warm. "The family invites gifts to the food bank Dad volunteered at" reads better than a bare instruction.

Our guide to alternatives to funeral flowers has sample wording you can adapt.

What mistakes should you avoid?

• Giving without a name. If you do not write "in memory of," the family may never know.
• Overriding the family's charity with your own favorite.
• Giving to a cause you cannot verify. Check the charity's name and status before paying, and use its official website, not a link sent in a message.
• Mentioning the amount in your card. It is not needed.
• Forgetting the card. The donation says you cared. The card says why.

What to do next

1. Read the obituary or funeral home page for the request.
2. Give through the charity's own website or by mail, marked "in memory of," with the family's address.
3. Send a short handwritten note telling the family you gave, and mention something you valued about the person.
4. Keep the receipt for your records.