Alternatives to Funeral Flowers: What to Send or Do Instead

The most common alternative to funeral flowers is a donation to the charity the family names in the obituary, given in the person's memory. Other good choices are a meal or an errand, a memorial tree, or a note and a visit a few weeks after the service, when the crowd has gone home. If the family has not asked for anything in particular, flowers are still a welcome gift.

What does "in lieu of flowers" mean?

"In lieu of flowers" means "instead of flowers." Emily Post says families signal this in the obituary with wording such as "in lieu of flowers, please..." or "contributions to [charity] would be appreciated."

It is a request, not a ban. Emily Post says you may still send flowers in addition to a donation, although following the family's wishes is preferred. Its bereavement Q&A adds that if a family asks for donations, you can send flowers later, once the first period of grief has passed, and that can be a kind gesture.

Why do families ask for alternatives?

The reasons vary, and families rarely explain them. Some want to support a cause the person cared about, such as a hospice, an animal shelter or a research charity. Some find dozens of arrangements hard to handle. Some follow their faith's customs.

Faith traditions differ, and practice varies within each one:

• Jewish mourners. Emily Post says that at Orthodox and Conservative services, friends and family are asked to give to charity in the person's name rather than bring flowers. My Jewish Learning's guide to shiva calls says flowers are not usually sent to a house of mourning. It suggests food and, where the mourners designate a charity, a donation. See our shiva guide.
• Islamic burial. Emily Post notes that graves are not adorned with flowers. Charitable giving in the person's name is also common. See what to give and how.
• Other families simply prefer donations, or food, or nothing at all. The obituary or the funeral home will usually say.

If you are unsure, ask the funeral home. They know what the family has requested and what the venue allows.

What can you send instead of funeral flowers?

Donations

Emily Post's advice on charity gifts is simple:

• Give at least what you would have spent on flowers.
• Write "in memory of" and the person's name on the check or online form.
• Give the family's name and address so the charity can send them a notice.
• If you are unsure the charity will notify the family, say so in your own card, for example "We have made a gift to [charity] in memory of [name]."

If the obituary names a charity, give there. If it says to choose a charity yourself, choose one the family would recognize as fitting. Our funeral donations etiquette guide covers amounts, cash gifts, faith traditions and tax.

Practical help

Emily Post warns against handing over a phone number with "call if you need anything," because grieving people often cannot tell what they need or feel awkward asking. It suggests naming a task and saying when you will follow up, such as offering to help with groceries, cleaning or the children and calling in a day or two to arrange times. A line like "I'm bringing dinner Thursday at six, or Friday if that's better" takes the decision off them.

Support after the funeral

Emily Post says to be patient with a friend in the weeks and months after a loss, to stay in touch, and to think about reaching out around the first anniversary. A card, a meal or a visit in week three or four often lands when fewer people are checking in. Our what to say at a funeral guide has wording you can adapt.

Are donations and gifts tax-deductible?

Only gifts to a qualified organization can be. The IRS says gifts to individuals are not deductible, so money you give to a family's fundraiser or directly to a person is a personal gift. You can check a charity's status in the IRS Tax Exempt Organization Search.

For most taxpayers, the charitable deduction applies only if you itemize. The IRS says that beginning in tax year 2026, taxpayers who do not itemize can deduct up to $1,000 ($2,000 if filing jointly) of cash gifts to certain qualified organizations. For gifts of $250 or more, you need a written acknowledgment from the charity. Ask a tax professional if your situation is complicated. Our memorial fund guide explains the difference between giving to a charity and to a family.

How do families ask for donations instead of flowers?

If you are writing the obituary, a few choices make it easier for everyone:

1. Name one or two causes. Too many options confuse guests. Pick charities that fit the person's life.
2. Give a web address or mailing address. This reduces the chance that guests give to the wrong organization.
3. Use warm, direct wording. A request that explains why people will want to follow it feels less like an instruction.
4. Choose a point person. One relative or friend can confirm the charity has the family's address and keep the list of givers.
5. Keep a list of who sent what. Emily Post says someone should record flower deliveries so the family can send thank-you notes. The same applies to gifts and donations. Our thank-you note template can help.

If the family would welcome help with costs, you can name a fund or fundraiser in the obituary too. Our guide to crowdfunding funeral costs covers how that works.

What if you still want to send flowers?

If the family has not asked for something else, flowers are a fine choice. Emily Post says they can go to the funeral home, the house of worship or the family's home, and should arrive as soon as possible, in time for the visitation or service. Some friends send arrangements over the following months as an ongoing gesture.

Include a card with your name so the family can thank you. Casket arrangements are for family members to send.

If you are not sure what suits the family, our funeral etiquette guide and funeral gift etiquette guide cover the wider picture.

What to do next

1. Read the obituary or funeral home page for the family's request.
2. Pick the gift that fits: a donation to the named cause, a meal or a specific offer of help.
3. Add a short handwritten card with a memory of the person.
4. Put a reminder in your calendar to check in a few weeks from now.