Writing Your Own Funeral Service: How to Plan the Ceremony You Want

You can plan your own funeral service by deciding what kind of ceremony you want, sketching the order of events, choosing music and readings, and naming who will speak. Then write it down in a separate document, because a will is often read after the funeral. Tell your family where the plan is. Written funeral wishes are not equally binding in every state, so naming a trusted person to carry them out helps.

What does "writing your own funeral service" mean?

People usually mean one of three things:

• Planning your own service ahead of time. You decide the type of ceremony, the music, the readings and the people involved, and leave instructions.
• Writing the ceremony itself. You draft the words and the running order so that a funeral director, celebrant or family member can lead it.
• Writing a service for someone else. The family designs the ceremony instead of using the funeral home's standard format. See the section on family-led services below.

The steps are almost the same for all three. The difference is who does the work and when.

Do you need a funeral service at all?

Not necessarily. The FTC describes three common arrangements. A traditional full-service funeral includes a viewing, a formal service and burial or cremation. Direct burial and direct cremation happen shortly after death without a viewing or traditional funeral, and with direct burial a memorial service may be held at the graveside or later.

That means you can choose a full funeral, a smaller memorial at a time that suits your family, or no ceremony. Some families choose direct cremation and hold a gathering weeks later when relatives can travel. Our guides to what a celebration of life is and the traditional funeral service show how the formats differ.

The law does require the body to be handled lawfully, through burial, cremation or another permitted method, and the death to be recorded. A funeral home or cemetery can handle the paperwork.

How do you plan the service, step by step?

1. Decide what kind of ceremony fits you. Think about whether you want a religious service, a secular one, a celebration of life or a quiet gathering, and whether the body or ashes will be present.

2. Choose who will lead it. A priest, pastor, rabbi, imam or other faith leader can lead a religious service. A celebrant or a family member can lead a secular one. Our guides to what a funeral celebrant does and secular and humanist funerals explain the options.
3. Pick a place. A house of worship, funeral home chapel, graveside, home, park or hall each has its own rules about time, numbers and music. Ask early.
4. Sketch the order. A simple order is in the table below.
5. Choose music and readings. Our guides to funeral music and funeral readings help you choose and check the rules of your venue.
6. Decide who speaks. Name the people you want to give tributes and tell them. Our eulogy delivery tips can help them prepare.
7. Plan the extras. Photos, a memory table, flowers or donations, a reception and a printed program can all be decided in advance.

A simple order of service

Not every service uses every part. A short graveside service may have only a welcome, one reading and a closing. Our guide to the funeral order of service has a fuller layout, and the memorial program template covers printing.

How do you write your own tribute or message?

Some people write a short message that someone reads aloud, or record a video or audio message to play at the service. It can be a few paragraphs about what mattered to you, a thank-you to specific people, or a favorite poem. Give the person leading the service a printed copy in case a recording fails.

An obituary you write yourself keeps facts such as dates and spellings accurate, though you will still want a family member to check and update it. If you want to write your own, our obituary template generator outlines the sections.

How do you make sure your wishes are followed?

Writing the plan is only half the work. The other half is making sure the right person sees it at the right time.

• Keep it separate. The FTC advises putting your preferences in writing, giving copies to family members and your attorney, and keeping a copy in a handy place. It also says not to put them only in your will, because a will often is not found or read until after the funeral.
• Do not rely on a safe deposit box. The FTC says your family may have to make arrangements on a weekend or holiday, before the box can be opened.
• Tell your family. The FTC notes that if your family does not know about your plans, your wishes may not be carried out, and that they could pay twice if they do not know you prepaid.
• Name a person to carry it out. The Funeral Consumers Alliance says every state lets you name an agent to control the disposition of your remains (the ACTEC Foundation counts 48 states and D.C.), with formalities that range from a signed document to notarization or witnesses. That can help prevent conflicts between relatives of equal rank. Our guide to appointing a funeral representative goes into detail.
• Know the limits. The ACTEC Foundation reports that 42 states and D.C. have laws on a person's own wishes, but they vary. Some accept any signed writing, some require a statutory form, and some require notarization or witnesses. The Funeral Consumers Alliance adds that agents are not required to follow instructions that are highly impractical, illegal or financially burdensome.

Our guides to talking to your family about your funeral wishes and to wills and funeral wishes cover the conversation and the legal side.

How do you pay for the service you plan?

You can decide on your arrangements without paying for them in advance. If you do prepay, the FTC suggests asking what you are buying, how the funds are handled, whether you can cancel for a full refund and whether the plan can be transferred if you move. Some state laws require part of a prepayment to go into a state-regulated trust or a life insurance policy.

The FTC Funeral Rule also helps whenever you plan. A funeral home must give you its General Price List, and you have the right to buy only the goods and services you want. Prices change over time, so the FTC suggests revisiting your plan every few years. Our pre-planning FAQ goes through prepaying in more depth.

What if you are writing a service for a family member?

Families can design a service for a loved one, from the ceremony to the program, with or without a funeral home. Some also care for the body at home or transport it themselves. Our guide to home funerals explains what that involves.

Check your state's law first. The Funeral Consumers Alliance lists nine states: Connecticut, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Louisiana, Michigan, Nebraska, New Jersey and New York. They require families to hire a funeral director for at least some part of the process, such as filing the death certificate or transporting the body. In other states the rules are looser, but local permits and health rules still apply.

What mistakes should you avoid?

• Keeping the plan only in your will. It may be read too late.
• Being vague. "Keep it simple" can mean a graveside service to one person and no service at all to another. Name specifics, such as the song, the reader and the place.
• Choosing something that will not work. A venue may not allow it, the cost may be too high, or the rules in your state may not permit it. Ask about the rules and the price before you commit.
• Not telling anyone. A plan nobody knows about cannot be followed.
• Forgetting to update it. Revisit your plan after major changes such as a move, a death in the family or a change in your health.

What to do next

1. Decide what kind of ceremony you want, and whether you want a service at all.
2. Write down the order, music, readings and speakers in a separate document.
3. Name a person to carry it out and give them a copy, along with your attorney if you have one.
4. Tell your family where it is, and review it every few years.