How to Tell Your Family Your Funeral Wishes

The easiest way to tell your family your funeral wishes is to choose a calm moment, start with one or two preferences and say why they matter to you. Then write your wishes down, give copies to the people who will need them and tell them where the papers are. The FTC gives the same advice: tell your family about your plans and where the documents are filed.

Most people agree the conversation is worthwhile. In a 2018 national survey by The Conversation Project, 92% of Americans said it is important to discuss their wishes for end-of-life care, but only 32% had done so. That survey was about care at the end of life more broadly, and the same gap shows up with funerals.

Why is it worth telling your family?

Without a plan, relatives have to guess, often within days and while grieving. They may disagree, or pay for more than you would have wanted. The Funeral Consumers Alliance lists a candid family discussion about cremation, burial, viewing and the type of ceremony as its first tip for planning ahead. It says this gives you and your family peace of mind, knowing the decisions have been made and thoroughly discussed.

A talk also gives your family a chance to raise their own needs. A service may help them grieve, even if you would prefer none.

When is the right time to bring it up?

There is rarely a perfect moment, but some are easier than others:

• After a funeral you both attended, when it is fresh
• When you update a will, retire, move or downsize
• After a diagnosis or a health scare
• When a family member asks what you want

Pick a quiet setting, such as a meal at home or a walk, and choose a time when nobody is rushed. Avoid holiday gatherings and hospital waiting rooms. You can also plan to talk with one person first, then with the wider family.

How do you start the conversation?

Start with why, and keep it about you rather than about their loss. A few openers you can adapt:

• "I'm getting my paperwork in order, and I'd like to tell you what I want so you won't have to guess."
• "I went to Sam's service last week, and it made me think about what I'd want for mine."
• "I'm not going anywhere, but I'd like to tell you a few things now, while we can talk about them calmly."

Then listen. Some people cry, joke or change the subject, and that is normal. You can say, "We don't have to finish today. Can I tell you just one thing?"

The Conversation Project, an initiative of the Institute for Healthcare Improvement, offers free conversation guides you can download and print. They cover starting the talk, choosing and serving as a health care proxy and discussing care preferences for serious illness.

What should you talk about?

Cover the basics first, then add detail over time.

1. Burial or cremation, and what should happen to remains afterward
2. The kind of gathering: funeral, memorial, celebration of life, private family time or none
3. Who decides, and who you would like to make the arrangements
4. Budget and funding, including any insurance or savings set aside
5. Faith, music, readings and personal touches
6. Organ or body donation, if you have registered
7. Where your documents are kept

Options have widened. NFDA's 2025 Cremation and Burial Report projects a 2025 cremation rate of 63.4% and a burial rate of 31.6%, and its 2025 consumer report found 61.4% of consumers interested in exploring green funeral options. If you are unsure what suits you, our funeral type finder can help, and our guide on cremation vs burial costs compares the money side.

How do you talk about money?

Tell your family roughly what you have in mind and how it will be paid for. The FTC Funeral Rule means funeral homes must give you a written price list and prices by phone, so you can compare before you decide. Our guide to the General Price List explains how to read one.

Planning is not the same as prepaying. The Funeral Consumers Alliance warns that prepaid plans can have incomplete refunds, may not transfer if you move and can leave survivors unaware of the contract. It suggests a payable-on-death bank account as a safer alternative. If you do prepay, ask what happens if the business closes or you cancel. See pre-paid funeral plans for more.

What if your family resists or disagrees?

• Start small. Share one preference and explain it. Come back to the rest later.
• Give them a role. Ask who would be comfortable making calls, reading at the service or keeping the papers.
• Write it down anyway. If they will not talk, put your wishes in a document and give it to the person you would choose to act.
• Name an agent. State law decides who controls your remains, and a disagreement between relatives can be settled by a clear designation. In New York, the agent must be named in a document signed and dated by you and the agent and witnessed by two adults. The person in control must then carry out your directions to the extent lawful and practicable. In California, an agent under a health care power of attorney comes first.
• Bring in a neutral person. A faith leader, doctor, social worker or funeral director can help if the talk gets tense.

If you are single or have no close relatives, see pre-planning when you are single.

How should you record and share your wishes?

Write your choices in a document, sign and date it, and give copies to your family, your attorney and the person you want to make arrangements. The FTC gives two cautions:

The FTC also advises reviewing and revising your decisions every few years, since prices and circumstances change. Our funeral wishes template and the My Funeral Wishes Planner give you a format to follow.

Medical wishes go in separate documents. MedlinePlus describes a living will, which says what treatment you want, and a durable power of attorney for health care, which names someone to decide for you. See advance directive vs living will.

What to do next

1. Choose one person and one day, and tell them you would like to share something with them.
2. Start with burial or cremation, and who you want to make the arrangements.
3. Write your wishes down and give copies to the people who need them.
4. Put a reminder in your calendar to review the plan every few years.

If you are planning with a parent, our guide to helping parents pre-plan covers the same conversation from the other side.